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Today was... Not a good day. To put it lightly. It turned Hellish right off the bat. Snapped at mom and she stormed out of the house without so much as a goodbye. I texted her "sorry" and she responded with the typical "you're not forgiven, but I'll say you are anyway" response. Since I got up late, I didn't have a proper shower, then realized I had no appetite. So I didn't eat and I left my lunch at home. Went to school... The entire day I felt like I wasn't attached to my body, I guess. Sort of like I was an outsider looking in. I didn't get hunger pangs, just embarrassing rumbles. So it was fine to not eat. Suffered through my subjects and student government...

At the student government meeting, someone finally noticed I was off. California, of all people. She didn't really know what to do, she was in one of those "blond and popular" moods. She gave me a half hug, but I was too out of it to really respond other than to say "yeah, I feel kinda awful" and the subject was dropped at that. I appreciated her noticing, though. No one else did.

Science was painful, of course. In drama I forced myself to eat something. I was so dizzy at that point that I couldn't remember my lines and I was irritable. My teacher seemed a little put off and the rest of my class was a bit, too. I feel guilty. Only Gingersnap was patient with me, to be honest. It was awesome of Simpson to give me some food, though. He's vegetarian, so it worked out well. I didn't have to eat stuff that made me ill, though I probably should've left the cheese stick thingie... The dairy was a bit much. Maybe I should be vegan, but it'd never work in my household. Mom would get mad and refuse to feed me.

I wonder if I could survive on just tofu and tea?

Went to work... Boss noticed I wasn't so chipper, but I'm never chipper, and she still shouted at me to do things and acted like I was the idiot and not her. She's the idiot. But that's mean, so I take it back. She's just... In a rut. Things have a certain way of going with her, so yeah. Came home... Had dinner... Feel like throwing up. It was just some vegetables and broth and bread, though, so it's not too bad.

Logged on... Finally vented a little to Care Bear, but I don't think she understands. Nobody really understands. I tried to tell Mom that I wasn't feeling well, that I was getting worse, but she told me to take a pill and get over myself. That I was just getting a cold.

Now I'm curled up in the corner of my bed listening to depressing music and half-crying. This seems to be my usual evening routine now... Cry and listen to other peoples' problems and worries. I can cry for hours lately. It's amazing that I haven't run out of tears yet. I always want to cry, to be honest. My eyes hurt all the time. The littlest things can set me off. When I'm with other people, though, I usually just get a little defensive and edgy. Snap at things, have less of a humour. I hate being weak.

Why don't people understand how hard it is for me to say that? I hate to admit that I'm weak. If I say it, something's fucking wrong. Big time. Nobody seems to get that. I said it a zillion times today. I wish Kat went to my school. She'd probably take one look at me and tell me that we were having some girl time. Let me cry it out and give me one of those awesome hugs. I wish she and I were closer, but when we talk on FaceBook or something it's just awkward. We're the in-person type, I guess. She and I are nearly the same. Difference? She's actually happy and feels blessed to be alive. Lately, I feel like it's a curse.

Spring of grade nine feels like eons ago. I thought I wasn't depressed then. I thought I was over wanting to die. Apparently not. When I get like this, I drive people away. Even though it's the time when I need people the most. It sucks. Majorly. And now the doctor wants to put me on pills to adjust my emotions... Depressing isn't a disease. I'm just sad. I just need... I need to curl up and watch Winnie the Pooh with a big mug of tea or something like that. Then cry for a few hours and talk it out and let someone or someones help me with my issues. It's so hard for me to do that. Harder than saying I'm weak, which is difficult. I only say that I'm weak when I'm desperate.

Lately I've been thinking that if I just stop eating and collapse one day, maybe people will finally pay attention and listen to me. Now I'm realizing this wouldn't happen. People would call me an idiot and make me take some pills. That wouldn't help at all. They'll just say "take some pills and get over yourself" then leave. Because I'm making their day worse. That's what always seems to happen.

And people wonder why I don't go directly to them to talk about my problems.

They don't listen to me, anyway.

'Till next time.