Scars

I am... Tired. Very, very tired. To put it simply, things are... stressful. I feel detached. Not in the way like when I was depressed... That was more a numb feeling. This is just like... I'm on the outside of the circle. And I'm too scared to try and get in, because what if the circle bursts? Is it delicate like a bubble? And I want to protect all the people inside the circle, even if they don't acknowledge me... It's a really painful, forlorn feeling.

I'm going to the hospital tomorrow night. I get the feeling I'll be there for a few hours. I'm supposed to be there at 18:30, then I'll probably have to wait for an hour and stuff... They're going to make me breath a bunch of things. I'm scared I'll lose my voice. The results from the heart monitor came back and they said I was perfectly healthy, something I'm obviously not. It would be better if they could just say "this is exactly what's wrong with you," even if there wasn't a cure or treatment. At least then I'd be able to answer questions.

Mom wants me to go see a shrink. Therapist, whatever. Someone who's a professional. She says she went to a shrink when she was really stressed. I feel like if they make me talk about what's bothering me, I'll get taken away from my family. And if they try to teach me breathing exercises and shit for when I feel an attack coming on, I'll just bawl and it'll be awful. The only thing they can speculate at is that I'm so stressed it's manifesting itself. That I'm having panic attacks. Just being told that I'm a panic button makes me feel awful... Why can't I just have some sort of an insult? Why is it I have to suffer like this because my head isn't screwed on straight? If it was physical, I'd feel better. I can fix physical things. Mental is another issue entirely.

I've lost almost all appetite. I can't stand the smell of food cooking anymore, when I once loved to cook and try new things and taste new dishes. I can barely stand meat, but I need the protein. It all tastes like cardboard. My weight's alright, though I gained a pound. I'll burn it off some other time. Drink some tea or something.

And I'm so, so tired. I want to curl up in a corner and cry myself to sleep all the time. Then I want to sleep for days or weeks. Go in a coma and just drift for a while. Maybe I'm worse than I thought. Maybe this is just another level of depression. I keep having mildly suicidal thoughts, but their offhanded, because I'm so tired and my head's fuzzy.

I feel myself getting progressively worse every day. I can barely pretend anymore. And Aphrodite's giving me so much stress... I talked to Wolfe about it today. He says to do what makes me feel best, that he can't take sides in this, but he understands my position. But if my decision hurts her or other people... Nobody really understands quite how much it hurts me to hurt others. Thinking about what to do today I nearly burst into tears. Whenever I cause someone else pain, it's like a physical ache in me. Like another lash from a whip.

There's this immense weight on my shoulders on the time. A sword hanging over me. I don't know what it is, but I notice myself shaking lately. I'll zone out randomly. Even my math partner commented today and had to get me back down to reality. I can't get work done in class as fast anymore. I have to read things two or three times before I even can pretend to have absorbed the information.

'Till next time.