Refresh

I'm just going to start a new blog. Sound good? I thought so.

Red

A few things have been happening lately. I suppose I should start with the most important? My connection to spirits has become very sharp and I can feel the other me getting stronger. That darker half that carried me through life when I didn't have the strength for it. When I banished her, I became very childish and was able to better enjoy life. But after spirits started appearing again, she's back. I've lost most of my bipolar behaviour and have become very serious and calculated. It's hard to be the happy-go-lucky me now. I want to separate myself from people, as I always have, and I know that's just due to her influence. She's a lone wolf and made me think that I should be, too, but I know now that the only way for me to survive is with others. But I need people like her... Not a lot of the people I surrounded myself with in the time she was gone.

I feel too mature for my generation.

My thoughts lately have been consumed with survival. I know this to also be her influence. She's always obsessed with it. Plan what you're going to do for every possibility... I wonder if spending time with- mm, I don't have a name for him yet... I think. Either way. But spending time with him, perhaps, has brought it out. He's a lot more mature than most people I spend my time with, which is very refreshing.

Either way, I'm just thankful that I can keep her in check. For now she's caged, but her influence still reaches out through the bars.

On another note, I went to see a play last night that was very intellectual. I need to write a review on it by the end of the week for class. It's called "Red" and it was written by John Logan, the man who did the screenplay for Gladiator. I found it fascinating and there were many good lines in it. Probably one of my favourite plays. It make you think.

Well... I'm heading to Rain's now, for better or worse. I hope she can just quiet down and he and I can find something to do.

'Till next time.

Medicine

I really need to get a stronger pill. This is rapidly turning into something of a ghost from my old hell weeks where I would be bed ridden and bleeding from my ears. Fuck this is awful. But I'm gonna take a bunch of Advil and go about my day like I'm not dying inside.

Seriously, it feels like a bat form Hell is trapped in my uterus and wants out. Bad. Fuck it hurts.

'Till next time.

Relaxant

I'm so stressed out that the tiniest thing sets me off. How did I realize this? Me mumbling about it being difficult to eat with a fork and knife after just painting my nails. How does this matter? My mom went off about how if that's the most difficult thing I did today, my life is absolutely nothing. My life isn't nothing! It's not a breeze! I'm trying to look after so many people and it's hard! I'm also freaking out about Rain and I!

The last one is just because it's our seven month tomorrow and every time that this comes around I freak out.

... Kay now I'm officially in a fight with mom. She just came into my room and I started crying and she stalked off in a hissy.

'Till next time.

edit//
Maybe I should start seeing the shrink again... Even though it costs 120$ an hour...

Seven

Today I am very lonely. I had a really good day, don't get me wrong... I slept in, then went to my first day of school. It was just a starter thing, get used to your classes, find out what you need. I have two classes that are outside of the time table... Stagecraft and Musical Theatre. Unfortunately... The first Stagecraft is on my seven-month. These classes run until about 5:30pm. So... yeah.

I hope Rain will be willing to wait for me. Which, I mean, I know he will... But still.

With Stagecraft and Musical Theatre, the only day I'm not at school until 5:30pm is Wednesday. Well, it's optional Monday or Wednesday... But Rain is only at school until lunch on Wednesdays, I think, so I'm going to have Wednesday be my "short" day. Hopefully I'll get to see him on those days... Hopefully.

I feel a bit better after writing. But I'm still kinda lonely. It annoys me that I'm so needy and clingy.

I'm worried for California. She needs someone in her life... But she couldn't handle a proper relationship if she broke it off with her boyfriend. She's hopelessly in love with him... And I don't mean it in a romantic way. He's bad for her. He does amazingly sweet things -- like buy her perfume so that he can be closer to her in some sort of way -- but then he turns around and is this douche bag who won't even let her get coffee with a guy-friend. She has a habit of picking guys like this... Guys with so much trauma in their lives that they get way too controlling. Protective... Possessive. I don't know what to do for her.

'Till next time, I suppose.

School

It's that time of year again. Tomorrow is my first day as a junior. I'm... Kind of excited. But mostly sad. I'm a junior... And a lot of my 'friends' are seniors. They'll be graduating... And so will Rain. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's like I'm being left behind again. Poseidon is going to norway... With Pan, most likely. I haven't seen any of them this summer... I just feel like they don't need me. Though I got a text from Zeus making sure I was invited to the party a couple days ago. Which I couldn't go to... Because I was spending time with Cookie. Which I'm glad for. I haven't seen her in ages. But I kinda wish I could've seen all of them... I feel so disconnected. Hopefully we can reconnect. I miss Hades.


I just keep recalling Artemis saying that she couldn't wait to graduate... And get new friends. It was a low blow. And it makes me think that everyone feels the same. Which, I mean, I know they don't, but still.


Rain graduating... It's kinda a scary thought. I know nothing will change, but... I'm still paranoid.


On the bright side, the bors never disappoint. Love those guys. I need to spend more time with them this year. And California. I need to spend more time with her and try to fix this awful situation she's got herself in with that long-distance relationship. Really, it's shit. He's probably cheating on her... But she convinces herself she doesn't care, because she loves him and wants him to be happy.

Improvement

Much better now that I got my period. It was just PMS after all.

'Till next time.